5th Monday Ugh: Kickin It Old Skool (Movie)

What does it say about a film made in 2007
when there isn't a high resolution image
of its cover easily available online?

What can I say about 2007's "Kickin It Old Skool" that isn't said by its 2% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes?  This movie is basically a "Hot Rod" knock-off with everything good replaced by something soulless.  I'm not just saying the film is bad, it's also horribly dark, offensive, and bad-natured.  What is supposed to be a wacky, high-energy comedy leaves the viewer feeling not only bored but strangely soiled.

In "Kickin It" Justin Schumacher (Jamie Kennedy) is a child break-dancer in the 80's who hits his head while dancing and falls into a twenty-year-long coma (as one does).  As his parents are about to pull the plug he hears the song "Rockit" by Herbie Hancock, and this somehow revives him.

When he entered this coma he was twelve; when he wakes he is thirty-two.  Why then, does he act like a disturbed six-year-old?  At what point did this seem like it would be funny to anyone?  He meets up with his old dance crew, and we enter into the abyss: a mind-numbing parade of failed joke after failed joke, poking fun at everything from pornography addiction to individuals with mental disabilities.  The feeling of the film is best encapsulated in one memorable deleted scene in which a young girl misunderstands adult Justin's hand motions describing how he squeezes lemons for his lemonade stand after inexplicably asking him, "How do you squeeze the lemons?" (which has to be the worst joke set-up in history).  She calls him a perv, flips him off, and says venomously, "F*** you!" before storming off.  Now we're having fun.

If you have a desire to abuse yourself--in fact, maybe if you kind of hate yourself a little--might I recommend this movie without hesitation.  For the rest of you I would just stick with reading the (very entertaining) critic reviews.

This promo wallpaper of Kickin It's "Chilly Chill"
may perhaps be the least used desktop image of all time.

I find myself in agreement with one reviewer, who refers to the film as "laugh-proof".

-MA 12.31.2012

Unaccompanied Sonata - Card (Short Story)

You may or may not have noticed I didn't have a blog post on Monday.  I am currently far from home for the holidays and have not had ready access to a computer.  I tell you this because it is the reason I am reviewing this work in particular.  I have a list--somewhere--of potential future works to be reviewed, and when I can't find it I can always peruse either of my loaded bookshelves, but here I find myself limited to what I have on hand, and this has turned out to be quite the blessing...for you!  *winky face*  I say this because I would probably never have thought to review this short story otherwise, and that would have been a shame.

First, a word about Orson Scott Card.  You are probably at least familiar with his most famous book "Ender's Game".  He has had a long and varied career as an author, writing mostly (but not exclusively) science fiction novels.  When a young reader is first introduced to Card (usually through the "Ender" series or his excellent sci-fi/religious "Homecoming" novels) he or she is typically floored.  The reader has never read anything like it, and yearns for more.  Unfortunately, not all Card novels are created equal.  He has admitted that he has, at times, written a book simply because that is his job and he needs to make money.  Now, I'm not trying to say he should not do this--obviously that is his choice--but it has produced a few hollow, disappointing novels I would never recommend to anyone ("Homebody" being the quintessential example of this).

I have long believed that his finest medium is not the one for which he is best known.  He excels in the short story.  He is a master of it.  And one in particular he refers to as, "The most powerful thing I have ever written."  If you have not read it, it's time you did.

If you read the title of this entry you know I am referring to "Unaccompanied Sonata."  This is indeed short, clocking in at twenty-three pages (if you are reading it in the small-paged paperback form), yet the story it tells is in no way small.  I have read it twice, the last time probably more than seven years ago, and yet as I was thumbing through it this morning I was shocked by how much of it I remembered.  I knew the premise, the main character's name, his nick-name later on, each important event and side-character, and the ending.  In short: I remembered everything.  This is a testament to this work, it proves that after reading it I thought through the story over and over.

Strictly speaking it is a science fiction story, but like the best sci-fi, it reads like literature, pandering to emotion and relatability rather than high-headed conceptualism.  On the first couple of pages you will learn that at a very young age our hero, Christian Haroldsen, has been tested by the government and has been found to be a musical prodigy.  He is removed from his parents, taken to an isolated house in the woods, given an instrument that can produce any sound he can think of, and allowed to make music.  This is all he does.  He is not allowed to hear any other musician's work, nor is he allowed to meet the people who listen to his music.  From there on things get interesting.  Perhaps the most impressive aspect of this work is it's tone.  It's clear that Card feels strongly about the story's moral, but the tone itself never reveals this.  Everything is told clearly, cleanly, and surgically.

By the time you finish you may find yourself sitting quietly, staring at a wall.  

-MA 12.26.2012

Note:  This story was originally published in Omni Magazine in 1979, it can now be found in a number of collections of Card's short stories; I recommend "Maps in the Mirror", as it is the most complete of these collections.

A History of the Ancient Southwest - Lekson (Non-Fiction)

I've never really been big into non-fiction.  Not because I don't see it as good art, not even because I don't find it interesting, but because I love fiction so much.  Reading takes time, and every book you read is a billion books you didn't.

How then, you might foolishly ask, did this particular non-fiction work end up on this blog?  Once upon a time I had to choose a class last-minute when I realize something I had already registered for wasn't going to work with my schedule.  My choices were very, very limited.  I ended up taking a 5000 level archeology class that--for whatever reason--had no prerequisites.  (This is equivalent to a 500 level class at most universities.)  I could probably write several pages on what a trip it was for me, a non-archeology major, to take this class and how hard it kicked my butt, but I'll spare you.  The important thing here is that I read a book called "A History of the Ancient Southwest", which, as it turned out, was one of the most fascinating and illuminating books I have ever laid my hands on.

Stephen Lekson is a wonderful writer, with a natural story-teller's finesse and an infectious sense of humor.  You might find it hard to believe that a book with such a dry-sounding title could be funny, or even engaging, but he makes it work.  The text reveals that even the title is a kind of tongue-in-cheek joke about archeologists.   It doesn't read like a textbook, but like a very informative narrative, or rather, set of narratives.

If you are into paradigm shifts--and who isn't?--this book will interest you.  It is written in such a way as to be accessible to the non-scholar as well as to Lekson's colleagues.  Your understanding of the Native American populations in ancient northern Mexico and the south-western United States will be shaken, expanded, and turned on its head.  Both from that class and from this book I learned very interesting things about this time period and area, as well as about all of the pre-Columbian Americas.

Some of the ruins in Chaco Canyon, an integral city in the book's narrative.

Perhaps you are not convinced that you, too, will be interested, but I'll bet you're wrong.  Allow me to posit just a few of the tidbits gleaned from the material.  We often hear of the genocide that took place when "the white man" came to the Americas--and certainly no one is trying to overlook the inhumanity involved in the treatment of Native Americans--but did you know that the vast majority of these deaths were inevitable?

Archeological evidence now (very strongly) suggests that the Native American population was much, much larger than has been widely believed in the past.  There may have been as many as twelve million people living in America at the time of European contact.  The diseases that the white man unknowingly brought then swept through the American continents much faster than any explorer could, taking out somewhere in the vicinity of 80-90% of the population long before any white man set foot into the inner-land areas.

This means that for later (more western) contact, seventy years or more may have passed between the epidemic and European contact with specific "tribes" (a term which is becoming increasingly nebulous in regards to ancient peoples).  What the white man saw when they got further into the continent were not the very advanced societies that preceded contact, but the tattered, shredded remains of those societies.

I could go on, but really, Lekson says it better.  Go on and discover some of the beautiful mystery that is the ancient Southwest, including the Chaco Meridian!  Tally-ho!

 

Lekson

- MA 12.18.2012

Gentleman Broncos - Hess (Movie)

"I hope everyone likes our movie, Venonka."

So, you liked "Napoleon Dynamite", but you didn't feel that cool about it because most everyone else did too, huh?  Well then, here is the film for you: "Gentleman Broncos" (2009) from Dynamite director Jared Hess!  Both films were written by Hess and his wife Jerusa.  Don't worry, this film is not well known and loved by millions; if fact, so few people thought the film would be well received that instead of being shown in theaters across the country (as was originally planned) it went straight to DVD!  This film is not loved, it has a %19 rating on Rotten Tomatoes and it doesn't fare much better anywhere else.  So you can see why--although I love this movie--I cannot recommend it without hesitation.  If you choose to see the film, you may very well be left with the unsettling feeling that you have just watched one of the weirdest movies of all time.

"Gentleman Broncos" is--at its heart--about what happens to art as it is changed or adapted.  Motivations for doing so are also explored.  Lead character, Benjamin Purvis, has written a bizarre sci-fi novel (which the movie tells us it actually quite good) in honor of his deceased father.  Throughout "Gentleman Broncos" we get to see it as it is, as it is once adapted to the "big screen", and as it is once it has been plagiarized.  I'm not delve deeply into plot points, but there's the basic premise.

"Benji Boy"

Let's start with what is perceived as being so bad about "Gentleman Broncos" that makes it so hated by so many.  In part, it's gross and it's weird.  This is one of the few PG-13 movies out there that has no sex, no swearing, and almost no violence.  What then, could earn this rating?  If you watch it, you'll know.  At points the film is almost dark in its merciless portrayal of how awkward the characters are and how strange their lives are.  I'll be the first to admit it's not an easy film to watch for this reason.  Some moments stumble over the line between comedy and horror; in one scene Benji's mom, Judith (Jennifer Coolidge) is screaming from an unexpected wound, she screams and screams as the camera zooms in disconcertingly.  Ebert complains that the plot "mystifies" the characters.  Another aspect of the film some people don't care for is how bounces around between the the real world and depictions of Benji's story.  All I have to say to that is if you'll simply pay attention you'll be fine.  Some people also think it's boring and pointless and blah blah blah.

Okay cool, now that we have that crap out of the way let us move on to a much more accurate review: mine.  From this point on I'm going to be pretending like everyone would love this movie.  "Gentleman Broncos" has it all!  Humor!  Originality!  Superb acting!  And lest we forget, quotability!  This is the kind of movie you can watch over and over again because you definitely missed something the first, second, and third times through.  Like Napoleon, it has a lot of short scenes.

 I could easily write about this movie for hours, enumerating what I feel is artful scene after artful scene, but I'll spare you.  It suffices me to say it is well written and well directed.  I would actually like to focus on just one aspect of the movie, one which I feel those who gave negative reviews all but completely ignore: the acting.  I can think of few movies with more consistently good acting then this one.  "Flight of the Conchords" co-star Jermaine Clements plays esteemed sci-fi novelist Ronald Chevalier, whose dualistically styled name is a window into the nature of his character.  He plays Chevalier with such effortlessness you would swear he wasn't acting, but we know from his other work that he is nothing like the pompous and arrogant (not to mention deep-voiced) writer we see on-screen.  Sam Rockwell pulls off his twin roll of Bronco/Brutus with about as much ease.  I didn't even realize my first few times viewing the movie that it was the same actor; the characters seem to exist in different galaxies.  Although Coolidge is a well-known Hollywood actress, she takes on a level of believability in the admittedly difficult role of Benji's mom that again makes us think she is just a woman who acts that way all the time, more-or-less playing herself.  This is not the case.  And finally we come to Benji himself, the "star."  Rarely do we see a protagonist with so few lines, though he is in the majority of the movie's scenes.  He doesn't have much to say, but that's alright because his face tells us all we need to know.  Pay special attention to his eyes, which seem to have a life of their own.  Other notable performances include Mike White as Benji's "guardian angel" from church and "Nacho Libre" co-star Hector Jimenez who plays a bizarre native-American high school student who makes films; "mostly trailers," he explains.  Critics complain that while there are Big Names on the screen, nothing is happening.  I feel this is akin to complaining that your nature walk was boring; while you wait around in vain for the movie to push you through one tired comedic plot-point to another, you are missing the art of the film, the execution of each moment.

Bronco triumphantly rides a battle stag.

The director and the actors know that the material is over-the-top, the characters are wacky, their motivations and the results are wacky, so they handle it the right way.  In a word: understated.  There's not a lot of crazy screaming or goofy faces.  The movie is even beautifully absent of that almost undetectable comic inflection seen in so many movies that let's you know the actors are "just kidding."  They are sincere, which I think is a turn-off for some.  For me however, I can't get enough.  All throughout the movie we hear some of the finest line deliveries in memory, but these gems are too quickly discounted because someone threw up in the last scene.  People sometimes throw up; get over it.

Who can forget such memorable quotes as, "How about this?  Moon Fetus... A fetus is found on a moon base...that's the premise."  And, "Circle of life, man."  And, "My dad, kind of, died when I was young."  And, "I couldn't find any tampons so I just bought some treats for Lonnie and me."  And so many more I can't even begin to write them all.  Well I guess I did begin, but you know.

I leave you with the following promotional video that is actually not in the movie (it actually is kind of relaxing to image a planet with life forming on it): 

-MA 12.10.12

Bone - Jeff Smith (Graphic Novel)

First, a note on comic book terminology, because I know it can get a little confusing.

Comic Book - A publication in sequential comic form that is not comic strips.  If it is a collection of comic strips, i.e. "Calvin and Hobbes" then it's just called a collection of strips.  (Interesting side note: some of the things we refer to as comics actually aren't since they are not sequential.  Anything that's just one panel isn't technically a comic, it's just a cartoon.  Sorry, "Far Side!"  Not really that sorry, "Family Circus!") 

Issue - One "chapter" of an ongoing or multi-issue story, such as "The Amazing Spider-Man" #586.  This is the most common form of comic book.  Unlike novels, the number of pages is not a factor for definition.  However, a typical issue is between 15 and 30 pages.

Trade Paperback - A collection of issues that have already been published.  This might include the republication of the first four "Batman" comics or issues #200-250 of "Iron Man" all in one book. 

Mini-Series - A mini-series is made up of issues.  The difference between a normal comic book series and a mini-series is that the number of issues is decided before the first issue is published.  "Watchmen" is one example of a mini-series.  There are only twelve issues and they tell a complete story.  Most comic book series are not mini-series'; like many TV shows, they will continue to produce them until they stop making money.

Graphic Novel - Many things which we refer to as graphic novels are actually mini-series', since they were published in a number of issues.  A true graphic novel is a one volume comic where the beginning and the end are included in the same book in the first printing.  "Goodbye, Chunky Rice" is a graphic novel.  That being said, language and terminology is constantly changing, and over the past decade or so the term "graphic novel" has been used more and more to describe collected trade paperback's of a completed mini-series.

Look, over there, it's a review blog!  Let's share it with our friends!

So it is with "Bone."  Yes, yes, it is not technically a graphic novel, it is a mini-series.  But now-a-days it is not common to see anything but the massive 1300 pg trade paperback for sale.  So I'm just going to cave and refer to it as a graphic novel along with everybody else.

From 1991 to 2004 Jeff Smith released 55 issues of "Bone".  Taken together, these issues are a stand-alone, complete story.  I was thinking about listing all the awards this book has won, but I decided against it for the simple reason that I knew about it long before I knew of its fame, and it would be on this blog regardless of its success. 

You might be thinking, "1300 pages?  Yeash!  No thanks, I don't have that kind of time."*  But it is actually a very short read.  This is partly because Jeff Smith was an accomplished animator before he wrote and drew "Bone", so the book reads wonderfully like a storyboard with dialog.  The art is beautiful, neat, thoughtful.  At times scarce, at times intricately detailed.  If you're not blown away by the locust swarm in the first issue there is something wrong with you.

The story is a delicate balance of Disney/Chuck Jones cartoon humor and style, and Tolkien-esque epic.  If you don't like dragons and swords, don't read "Bone."  But if you don't mind a little fantasy, and if you love a great story, "Bone" is the book for you.  As is the case with many of the story-based artworks showcased here, the story of "Bone" is one that will stay with you long after you read it.  It is pretty PG, but it's about as dark as something that's supposed family friendly can get, and I love that.

The basic premise--obviously, skip this paragraph if you don't want to know--is that three cartoony beings (The "Bones") get evicted from their hometown of Boneville because one of them made a greedy mistake.  We never actually see Boneville, but we are to assume it is full of other creatures that are just like our heroes.  Boneville is not a magical place; as near as we can tell it is basically identical to our modern world, except instead of humans there are bones.  They then stumble around in the desert for a while until they are bombarded by a huge swarm of locusts, through which they can see nothing.  When the locusts finally disappear they realize they are in unfamiliar territory.  Not only are they no longer in the desert, they are now in a verdant forest.  They run across little talking bugs, naughty squirrels, monsters called rat creatures, and of course--humans. A beautiful young girl named Thorn takes them in and from there...well, let's just say things get complicated.

It is imaginative, epic, exciting, and consistently funny.  Yes, it has some faults: Smith seems to think we are all as interested as he is in "Moby Dick" and it gets old pretty fast, some of the jokes may be a little too High School Cheese** for mature tastes, and not everyone is happy with the ending.  But we forgive these minor infractions because we love the characters, the story, and not least, the art.  

The biggest hindrance of Bone is probably its price.  A lot of work and time went into this massive work, and since graphic novel sales are never as high as top-selling novels they are always more expensive.  Try $40 for the collected work.  Maybe a friend has a copy, or perhaps you could find it for cheap online. Also, many libraries have the smaller trade paperbacks, just make sure you are reading them in order (there's 9 books when it's divided this way).  There is also a full-color version that's a bit more expensive, but honestly the b/w art is so beautiful as it is that I'm not sold on the color idea.

Okay well, assuming you find a copy sometime, happy reading!  Enjoy the quiche!

-MA 12.3.2012


*You also might be thinking, "Where does my stuff go when I lose it?  Honestly!  It's like one minute it's there, the next, *poof*, gone.  It might as well be in another dimension.  It would be cool to be able to see exactly where everything I ever lost is RIGHT NOW."  Really, you could be thinking any number of things; I have no way of knowing.

**The sense of humor the kids in your high school had who thought the peak of comedy was randomness, and then labored under the delusion that words like "cheese" are somehow exorbitantly random.