The Cheap Detective - Simon (Movie)

Did I mention it's crammed with stars?

I feel compelled to begin this week's review with a transparent warning that this may, in all actuality, not be worthy of being called a "great movie." I say that not because I feel that way, but because friends and family have long assured me (mostly by falling asleep before even reaching the halfway mark) that it isn't any good. I however, love Niel Simon's bizarre spoof of old film noir classics like The Maltese Falcon and Casablanca.

I don't know what to tell you as far as what you should expect going into this film. At the risk of sounding like a stereotypical conessour of art that actually has no idea what he is talking about, I want to say that the charm of this movie is that it is at once understated and over-the-top. It wants to be a "straight" parody as well as a farce, and I feel like it succeeds on both counts. It is in many ways a scene-for-scene rip off of the classic films it mocks with endearment, but the tounge-in-cheek back-handed humor is what makes this movie. If words like "odd" and "wacky" do not describe any of your favorite films, you can stop reading now.

First we have the leading detective, played by Peter Falk (of Princess Bride and Colombo fame). I could describe his role as Humphry Bogart with a head injury. He play his part so Slim-Pickins-straight that you might mistake top-notch jokes like telling his cabby he can't tip because he's a war vet as non-nonsensical filler.

Then we have a parade of characters inspired by classic films. But you may find their identifying quirks don't fit the mold of what you would expect of the genre. Take, for example, Jasper Blubber, who is asked by Falk how he will recognize him when they meet. Jasper: "I'm a very large man. I'll be sitting in the first two seats as you come in." Or take the exchange Falk has with a mysterious woman who urgently needs his services. Woman: "Meet me in your office in fifteen minutes." Falk: "Well, what time is it now?" Woman: "I'd rather not tell you that...until I know I can trust you."

Falk pulls his revolver on his phone.

This is not a movie like many of the others I have reviewed. It's goofy and at times downright weird. But if that sounds like your kind of film, then may I recommend The Cheap Detective. Though heed my words, I may be among the very small percentage of the world's people who enjoyed it.

-MA 11.18.13

5th Monday Ugh: Troll 2 (Movie)

*COMMENT WITH YOUR FAVORITE TROLL 2 QUOTES!*

I must admit, I struggled in deciding whether or not I should count "Troll 2" as a 5th Monday Ugh or as a bonafide Great Work. After probably more deliberation than I could rightfully justify, I decided it should be considered an "Ugh" on the basis that the creators were trying to create something else and failed. What they ended up creating, however, is nothing short of a joy to behold.

Perhaps you are already familiar with the background* behind this incredible movie, but if not, here it is in a nutshell. In order to understand the grandeur of the film, I feel it is imperative to know a bit about how it came to be. Drake Floyd is the American-ish pseudonym of Italian filmmaker Claudio Fragasso. Before making "Troll 2," Floyd mostly worked on low budget slasher and zombie films. "Troll 2" is probably his most personal project, considering the screenplay was penned by his wife and was based on her original ideas. And boy are they ever original! Now, you might be asking yourself, why "Troll 2?" What about "Troll 1?" Well, the reason I'm not addressing the first "Troll" film is that it doesn't have anything to do with the work in question. The decision to change the title to "Troll 2" from the original title "Goblins" was an eleventh-hour attempt on the studio's part to squeeze a little more money out of the movie on the grounds that "Troll" was moderately successful considering its low budget.

"This is their kingdom!"

This would perhaps be a good strategy if it weren't for three things: 1) The films have no story or thematic continuity between them, as neither were created with the other in mind. 2) The films are not the same genre. "Goblins" was meant to be a dark horror film, whereas "Troll" was a good-natured fantasy. 3) THERE ARE NO TROLLS IN TROLL 2. You heard me. Not one. Sadly, Kevin Murphy's clever quip from The Wickerman Rifftrax ("This movie has as many wicker men in it as 'Troll 2' has trolls,") turns out not to be accurate, since in "The Wickerman" there is one wicker man on screen at the end of the movie. The only time anything that has to do with trolls appears in "Troll 2" is the on-screen wording of the opening and closing credits.

The best horror films and books often have morals buried within them. For example, Stephen King's Pet Semetary is a cleverly packaged warning against the dangers of fixation. It shows us in horrific detail what can happen to a person chooses to be blind to their own growing addictions. "Troll 2" also has a moral: vegetarians are annoying. I mean it. Floyd's wife, Rossella Drudi, flat-out said that was the point of the script. She got the idea for it after a few too many lunches with her vegetarian friends. Accordingly, the goblins in the film turn people into a plant-like food and eat them, which helps us understand how real-life vegetarians are no good.

"Our queen...needs us..."

"Troll 2" was filmed in Utah in the late 80's with an all-Italian crew and an all-American cast. Now, that wouldn't be such a big deal except for the fact that only one crew member (the costume designer) was actually fluent in both languages. Cast members recount how disconnected the directing was because of this. In one memorable day of shooting an actor was told by Floyd to "go upstairs" during the shot. Unfortunately, they were outside at the time, and no stairs were in sight. Some of the little people who play the goblins in the movie reminisced that typically when making a film you don't ever see a full script, but you start to get a sense of the film's continuity as you show up for filming day after day, but with "Troll 2," they became less certain of what they were involved in each time they went to a shoot.

"You can't piss on hospitality! I won't allow it!"

The wording of most of the lines in the movie is unnatural to say the least, as it was written by an ESL Italian woman. Cast members suggested that--knowing the general purpose of the lines--they might reword some of it to sound more American without losing any meaning. Floyd rudely denied this request, demanding they speak each line verbatim come Hell or high water, arguing that he was "more American than any American director," and as such, perfectly aware of how Americans spoke. As a result, we get exchanges like this:

    Elliott: I'm the victim of a nocturnal rapture. I have to release my lowest instincts with a woman.
    Holly: [Punches Elliott in the groin] Release your instincts in the bathroom.
    Elliott: Are you nuts? You tryin' to turn me into a homo?
    Holly: Wouldn't be too hard. If my father discovers you here, he'd cut off your little nuts and eat them. He can't stand you.

And this:

    Diana: Joshua, start singing. Come on, sing that song I like so much.
    Joshua: I don't feel like singing, Mom!
    Diana: Just sing.
    Joshua: [singing] Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream...
    Diana, Joshua: [both singing] Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily. Life is but a dream...

Truthfully, I could probably just copy/paste the entire script in here and it would make for an enjoyable read, but better to watch the film and hear the horrendous delivery of the lines along with it.

"Dad?!"

What makes this film so wonderful, so darn likable, is its energy. Its confidence and passion for itself. Undeniably, it's a terrible movie, but no one bothered to tell anybody that while they were filming. Every line is delivered at the height of energy. Nothing is thrown away here. Everyone on screen is committed %110. This is probably because the filmmaker couple that produced it loved it. To this day they stand behind the film as great art, despite the fact that they know it has a reputation as being one of the worst films ever made. Floyd even went so far as to say that having someone tell you this is the worst movie ever made is the exact same thing as them saying it's the best movie ever made. (???)

"Try some, boy, and have some of your friends drink some also."

You go girl.

There are various production notes that would enrich the viewer's experience, but here are two that I feel are indispensable. A dentist who showed up hoping to be an extra in the movie, thinking it might be a fun experience, was cast as one of the main characters, Michael. He was chosen exclusively based on how he looked, and the fact that he was not an actor is more than apparent. The other interesting factoid is that the drugstore owner was cast using an inmate of a local insane asylum who was--get this--out on a one day pass. He has since been cured of his insanity and lives a more or less normal life. Of his role in the film, he has explained that the creepiness you see on screen is not acting, and that he was not fully aware at the time that he was in a movie.

After watching the film, it is an interesting exercise to try to make some sense out of it. I'm not going to get into all that here, but I challenge you and your friends to map out exactly what happened during the film, and--for maximum entertainment--what the supernatural rules are for this world. For example, if the movie were about vampires, you could make a list of rules the movie did or didn't employ. These vampires can't go outside during the daytime...they don't turn into bats...that sort of thing. What rules do the goblins here follow?

That's right. Hot. Sexy. Corn.

Finally, there is one last scene I'd like to address, though admittedly I could go on about "Troll 2" for maybe twenty or thirty pages. I am of course referring to the scene in which Creedence Leonore Gielgud (a gem among gems in this movie) goes to the boys' camper and seduces a young man with an ear of corn. Had it been intentional, this scene would deserve to go down in history's books as one of the greatest avant-guade displays of surreal comedy ever created in any medium. Everything in this four minute encounter should be intensely studied by writers and performers of comedy, from the slightly off-tune saxophone background music (which abruptly stops without the actress being informed, as she can be seen still gyrating slowly in the silence), to the inexplicable delivery of the line, "Actually I like popcorn," to the...well, I wouldn't want to spoil the scene's twist ending...

I'm sure I've rambled on enough about this. If you're still reading stop reading, and go watch yourself some "Troll 2!"

"I must do it! I must do it!"

-MA 7.29.2013

*The information on this film comes from various internet resources such as Wikipedia, as well as from the 2010 documentary "Best Worst Movie."

Gentleman Broncos - Hess (Movie)

"I hope everyone likes our movie, Venonka."

So, you liked "Napoleon Dynamite", but you didn't feel that cool about it because most everyone else did too, huh?  Well then, here is the film for you: "Gentleman Broncos" (2009) from Dynamite director Jared Hess!  Both films were written by Hess and his wife Jerusa.  Don't worry, this film is not well known and loved by millions; if fact, so few people thought the film would be well received that instead of being shown in theaters across the country (as was originally planned) it went straight to DVD!  This film is not loved, it has a %19 rating on Rotten Tomatoes and it doesn't fare much better anywhere else.  So you can see why--although I love this movie--I cannot recommend it without hesitation.  If you choose to see the film, you may very well be left with the unsettling feeling that you have just watched one of the weirdest movies of all time.

"Gentleman Broncos" is--at its heart--about what happens to art as it is changed or adapted.  Motivations for doing so are also explored.  Lead character, Benjamin Purvis, has written a bizarre sci-fi novel (which the movie tells us it actually quite good) in honor of his deceased father.  Throughout "Gentleman Broncos" we get to see it as it is, as it is once adapted to the "big screen", and as it is once it has been plagiarized.  I'm not delve deeply into plot points, but there's the basic premise.

"Benji Boy"

Let's start with what is perceived as being so bad about "Gentleman Broncos" that makes it so hated by so many.  In part, it's gross and it's weird.  This is one of the few PG-13 movies out there that has no sex, no swearing, and almost no violence.  What then, could earn this rating?  If you watch it, you'll know.  At points the film is almost dark in its merciless portrayal of how awkward the characters are and how strange their lives are.  I'll be the first to admit it's not an easy film to watch for this reason.  Some moments stumble over the line between comedy and horror; in one scene Benji's mom, Judith (Jennifer Coolidge) is screaming from an unexpected wound, she screams and screams as the camera zooms in disconcertingly.  Ebert complains that the plot "mystifies" the characters.  Another aspect of the film some people don't care for is how bounces around between the the real world and depictions of Benji's story.  All I have to say to that is if you'll simply pay attention you'll be fine.  Some people also think it's boring and pointless and blah blah blah.

Okay cool, now that we have that crap out of the way let us move on to a much more accurate review: mine.  From this point on I'm going to be pretending like everyone would love this movie.  "Gentleman Broncos" has it all!  Humor!  Originality!  Superb acting!  And lest we forget, quotability!  This is the kind of movie you can watch over and over again because you definitely missed something the first, second, and third times through.  Like Napoleon, it has a lot of short scenes.

 I could easily write about this movie for hours, enumerating what I feel is artful scene after artful scene, but I'll spare you.  It suffices me to say it is well written and well directed.  I would actually like to focus on just one aspect of the movie, one which I feel those who gave negative reviews all but completely ignore: the acting.  I can think of few movies with more consistently good acting then this one.  "Flight of the Conchords" co-star Jermaine Clements plays esteemed sci-fi novelist Ronald Chevalier, whose dualistically styled name is a window into the nature of his character.  He plays Chevalier with such effortlessness you would swear he wasn't acting, but we know from his other work that he is nothing like the pompous and arrogant (not to mention deep-voiced) writer we see on-screen.  Sam Rockwell pulls off his twin roll of Bronco/Brutus with about as much ease.  I didn't even realize my first few times viewing the movie that it was the same actor; the characters seem to exist in different galaxies.  Although Coolidge is a well-known Hollywood actress, she takes on a level of believability in the admittedly difficult role of Benji's mom that again makes us think she is just a woman who acts that way all the time, more-or-less playing herself.  This is not the case.  And finally we come to Benji himself, the "star."  Rarely do we see a protagonist with so few lines, though he is in the majority of the movie's scenes.  He doesn't have much to say, but that's alright because his face tells us all we need to know.  Pay special attention to his eyes, which seem to have a life of their own.  Other notable performances include Mike White as Benji's "guardian angel" from church and "Nacho Libre" co-star Hector Jimenez who plays a bizarre native-American high school student who makes films; "mostly trailers," he explains.  Critics complain that while there are Big Names on the screen, nothing is happening.  I feel this is akin to complaining that your nature walk was boring; while you wait around in vain for the movie to push you through one tired comedic plot-point to another, you are missing the art of the film, the execution of each moment.

Bronco triumphantly rides a battle stag.

The director and the actors know that the material is over-the-top, the characters are wacky, their motivations and the results are wacky, so they handle it the right way.  In a word: understated.  There's not a lot of crazy screaming or goofy faces.  The movie is even beautifully absent of that almost undetectable comic inflection seen in so many movies that let's you know the actors are "just kidding."  They are sincere, which I think is a turn-off for some.  For me however, I can't get enough.  All throughout the movie we hear some of the finest line deliveries in memory, but these gems are too quickly discounted because someone threw up in the last scene.  People sometimes throw up; get over it.

Who can forget such memorable quotes as, "How about this?  Moon Fetus... A fetus is found on a moon base...that's the premise."  And, "Circle of life, man."  And, "My dad, kind of, died when I was young."  And, "I couldn't find any tampons so I just bought some treats for Lonnie and me."  And so many more I can't even begin to write them all.  Well I guess I did begin, but you know.

I leave you with the following promotional video that is actually not in the movie (it actually is kind of relaxing to image a planet with life forming on it): 

-MA 12.10.12